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By: Colin Auschrat, MA, Registered Psychologist & Heather Auschrat, MA, Registered Psychologist
August 2026
You pack your clothes, your toiletries & your favorite book.
Unfortunately, you may have also packed some truly terrible travel companions.
Criticism. Contempt. Defensiveness. Stonewalling.
The Gottman 4 Horsemen have somehow secured their own boarding passes, they've got plenty of frequent flyer miles & they definitely don't understand the concept of personal space!
Maybe Criticism starts nitpicking your choice of restaurant.
Contempt rolls its eyes at your navigation skills.
Defensiveness shows up when someone suggests you might have forgotten something.
AND eventually Stonewalling quietly disappears into your hotel room & gets comfortable on the couch.
The good news?
You don't have to let the Horsemen stay in your hotel room.
If your vacations have tended to feel more like a battlefield than a break, Colin & Heather can help you evict those pesky
Horsemen for good!
Learn how to spot these uninvited guests the moment they try to check in, ensuring you & your partner are the ones calling the
shots on your next trip.
Vacations don't create relationship problems, they expose them.
When you get on a plane, the airline weighs your bags. Nobody weighs the emotional baggage.
We go on vacation expecting to relax, reconnect & have a great time. But we often pack months or years of unresolved frustration
with us. You can fly across the ocean, but your relationship problems still show up at baggage claim.
A vacation is like a bright light, it shows all the little cracks in how you talk to each other.
That's why couples can sometimes find themselves arguing about things that seem completely ridiculous.
The restaurant.
The directions.
The kids.
The schedule.
Who forgot what.
Who isn't helping enough.
Who gets to sleep in.
Usually, the argument isn't really about any of those things.
The real problem is often underneath the argument.
We want the trip to be perfect.
After 12 months of work, parenting, chores, appointments & everyday responsibilities, we try to cram an entire year's worth of
romance, relaxation & fun into seven days.
That's a lot of pressure to put on a vacation.
You arrive ready to climb mountains.
Your partner is ready to become a horizontal, book reading human shaped object beside the pool.
Neither person is necessarily wrong. You are just operating from completely different definitions of "a good vacation."
Before you know it, someone says "This is supposed to be relaxing."
And now you're fighting about relaxation.
The problem didn't arrive on the beach, you brought it with you.
Colin Auschrat, Reg. Psychologist
Before you leave the driveway, talk about what each of you actually wants from the trip.
Before you pack your bags, sit down together, grab a snack & fill this out together.
The Target Altitude: What are the top 3 things I need from this trip to feel 'refreshed'?
The Danger Zones: What would really disappoint me or trigger my stress alarms?
The Social Battery: Do I want to be a social butterfly or a quiet hermit? Let's map out our planned 'people' time.
The 'Me' vs. 'We' Ratio: How much solo downtime does each of us need to keep our cool?
The Vibe Check: What does relaxing actually look like for me? Reading, hiking, sleeping in, sightseeing or dancing till midnight?
The Romance Factor: How do we want to keep the spark alive, without it feeling like a 'must do' chore, so everyone gets part of what they were hoping for?
The Itinerary Rigidity: Do I want a structured flight plan, or the freedom to 'wing it'?
At home, you might only see each other for a few hours a day. On vacation, you're together 24/7.
It's like being stuck in the middle seat on a very long flight. You can't just walk away.
All those little things that normally get drowned out by work, chores, kids, Netflix & daily responsibilities suddenly become much
louder.
Vacations don't create problems, vacations remove distractions.
Connection is Inevitable: We go on vacation for connection & sometimes that connection manifests as an argument. Even fights are a form of connection, one that has been taking the back seat to the busyness of daily life for too long.
The Magnifying Glass Effect: Vacations offer a vital pause from the daily noise, creating quiet space needed & suddenly you're sitting across from the person you love & noticing all the 'emotional papercuts' you've been too busy to feel.
Stress doesn't stay home just because you booked a hotel.
Stress is a frequent flyer.
Airports, delays, getting lost, crowds, heat, exhaustion, unexpected expenses & hungry children can turn the most patient person into
someone they barely recognize.
When we are tired & stressed we are more likely to pick a fight.
Transit Hubs: Airports frequently spark disagreements regarding punctuality, focus & preparedness
Travel Disruptions: Delays can quickly amplify feelings of frustration, annoyance & physical discomfort
Navigation Challenges: Finding your way tests communication & focus
Unforeseen Expenses: Surprise costs often act as triggers for underlying stress & financial anxiety
Environmental Stressors: Coping with intense heat, dense crowds & exhaustion leaves travelers feeling emotionally
depleted & highly dysregulated
When your nervous system is overloaded, you're not exactly operating at your best.
That is when the 4 Horsemen tend to find an open seat & join the conversation.
Where are we eating?
What are we doing today?
When are we leaving?
Do we need tickets?
Where did we park?
What do you want to eat?
Do we go left or right?
By day 4, your decision making battery may be completely dead.
Picking a restaurant suddenly feels as hard as landing a plane in a storm.
The Exercise: Pick a 'code phrase' before you leave home. Something simple like "I'm on low
battery" or "My GPS is spinning"
The Rule: When your partner says the phrase, you agree to immediately stop asking them to make choices
for at least 30 minutes. No questions about dinner, no planning the next stop.
The Exercise: Discuss what 'recharge' time means for each of you. Example: "For the next 30 minutes, I
need to look at my phone in silence" or "I need to lie down without any music playing"
The Rule: Your partner cannot demand you 'come back' to the conversation until your timer goes off.
The Exercise: At the end of the day, do a quick "Flight Debrief". Tell your partner one thing
they did today that made the trip better.
The Rule: Use this fill-in-the-blank: "Thank you for (deciding on dinner/ driving/
navigating today) It really helped take the pressure off me & I appreciate you being the pilot today."
When things get hard, most of us don't suddenly become better versions of ourselves.
We go back to our default settings. We hit autopilot.
This often means we act like grouchy kids. We stop listening & start blaming.
That is when the 4 horsemen can take over the cockpit.
The warning signs might look like this:
Criticism: "You never think about anyone but yourself."
Contempt:
Eye rolling, mocking, sarcasm or acting superior
Defensiveness: "Well, if you
had done your part..."
Stonewalling: "I'm done, I'm not talking about this."
Remember, if you see the warning light, it's time to slow down & be kind.
Turbulence doesn't last forever.
Good pilots know that some bumps are normal. It's not about having a perfect flight, it's about how you land safely. Couples who have a great time aren't people who never fight. They are couples who learn how to repair after things go sideways. They are people who say "sorry" & "let's try again" very quickly.
This might mean:
Ultimately, vacations are a magnifying glass.
They don't necessarily create new problems.
They make existing ones easier to see.
So pack some patience.
Pack some humour.
Give each other room to breathe.
Notice the good things.
And if the 4 horsemen show up, don't let them take over the trip.
You can slow down.
You can repair.
You can try again.
Because the best vacations aren't the ones where nothing goes wrong.
We acknowledge our main practice is located within Treaty 6 Territory and within the Métis homelands and Métis Nation of Alberta Region 4. This place is a traditional meeting ground and gathering place for multiple First Peoples including the Nehiyawak (Cree), Anishinaabe (Salteaux), Niitstapi (Blackfoot), Métis, Dene, and Assiniboine, whose footsteps have marked these lands for centuries. Our online service spans what is today called Alberta and the Northwest Territories, which include Treaties 4, 6, 7, 8, 10 and 11.
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